My eyes haven't stopped rolling with tears, subconsciously, just at the thought of it. The last weekend was somewhat tough, with lots of thoughts and imagination. Someone I know had passed on to glory, a friend from afar if I should say, a mother to lovely twin boys in my son's daycare. Quite young and very energetic, a genius as she was called at the funeral. Well, life happens and one must move on.
But I seem not to have moved on with my thoughts, my thoughts still stick with the sight of the children at the funeral, as the children played and sat there without exactly knowing what was happening. They haven't yet really understood that mummy is gone and never to be seen anymore. The cry of the kids await their mum to comfort them but she was gone. As I heard one of the boys cry, I await to see a mum come pick up her child for consolation, but the mum wouldn't come anyway, she was the one being buried, and it was her funeral!
As the first daughter rose to approach the podium to give her last respect to her mum, I couldn't hold the tears as they rolled and rolled and rolled ... out of my eyes, I couldn't bear to see her, I didn't even have the guts to hear what she had to say. Her voice was clear, was beautiful and she read with one who indeed knows how to read but nothing of pain or emotion was felt, because she probably doesn't understand, which I might be wrong.
The pain was so much for me to bear. I haven't really attended funerals and cried as much as I did at this. Unfortunately, I had attended 2 of my dearest people, my parents! At the tender age of 7 years and 4 months (in September 1992), my mother passed on to glory from a slight illness of Jaundice, I was told. My sisters, when they reflect on remembrance days, they say I was the happiest on her burial because I didn't know what was going on, I guess it was just time to gather and have a party. So sad! This was sort of what I saw, I pictured myself in the children at this funeral, they were properly dressed and beautiful. Her little girls were radiantly dressed and their accessories looked good on them, they probably felt like the princesses that they are.
You know, many thoughts just kept rolling as I saw myself in the children who were ignorant and lacked understanding at this loss at this moment. My parents had named me 'Adejumoke', which I kind of translated as 'we have gathered to care'. Yeah right, I am the tenth of 10 children, indeed they gather. As if my mother knew she wouldn't be there to see me grow into this woman the Lord is making of me. No wonder I really don't have memories of times spent with my mother because she probably wasn't there, my siblings are old enough to cater to me. I was everyone's child to look after. I really don't have any regrets right but I think I miss not having a mother. I miss my mother!
But you see, the Lord alone knows alllll things, He knows the end even from the beginning, He knows what all of us will become. By the way, the Lord is the only keeper of life, with or without parents, He alone is the father of the fatherless and motherless. Maybe I may feel betrayed that my mother brought me to this world to leave all alone, but no, I am not alone! I have never been alone. You are not alone! And then daddy died as well. I was now about 20 years (the month I was to be 20 years old). I didn't really know my father, he was apparently ill all the while I knew I was an existing being with life, family, siblings, friends and a father but not a mother. Anyways, life goes on.
In all of these, I see God still seated in heavenly places looking down on us and smiling at His 'OWN', like my plans for you are for good buddies. Sometimes I still feel a little happy that I don't know some things and therefore I walk like nothing is happening, nothing to make me fear, no nightmares.
Alas, it's May, and that little girl I saw myself in at the funeral will be 33, what can one say, isn't life still life, she still exists! Jesus is her strength for today and her bright hope for tomorrow.
This song:
Christ alone, Cornerstone,
Weak made strong in the Savior's love,
through the storm,
He is Lord, Lord of all.
This is indeed testimony! I was weak, young, vulnerable, naive, and clueless, but God's love and strength were there and still are. No fear, no quilt, no shame. And you can also go through life without those things. Soooo many things we cannot control, so why worry, yes we are human, cry it all out and then move on. The verse that resonated over the weekend is we should not grieve like those who don't have hope. I have hope, you have hope! Glory to God!
Walk in victory as if you overcame already, nothing should hold you captive, no imaginations, no guilt, no worries, no fear, the Lord is got you!
Unedited
But I seem not to have moved on with my thoughts, my thoughts still stick with the sight of the children at the funeral, as the children played and sat there without exactly knowing what was happening. They haven't yet really understood that mummy is gone and never to be seen anymore. The cry of the kids await their mum to comfort them but she was gone. As I heard one of the boys cry, I await to see a mum come pick up her child for consolation, but the mum wouldn't come anyway, she was the one being buried, and it was her funeral!
As the first daughter rose to approach the podium to give her last respect to her mum, I couldn't hold the tears as they rolled and rolled and rolled ... out of my eyes, I couldn't bear to see her, I didn't even have the guts to hear what she had to say. Her voice was clear, was beautiful and she read with one who indeed knows how to read but nothing of pain or emotion was felt, because she probably doesn't understand, which I might be wrong.
The pain was so much for me to bear. I haven't really attended funerals and cried as much as I did at this. Unfortunately, I had attended 2 of my dearest people, my parents! At the tender age of 7 years and 4 months (in September 1992), my mother passed on to glory from a slight illness of Jaundice, I was told. My sisters, when they reflect on remembrance days, they say I was the happiest on her burial because I didn't know what was going on, I guess it was just time to gather and have a party. So sad! This was sort of what I saw, I pictured myself in the children at this funeral, they were properly dressed and beautiful. Her little girls were radiantly dressed and their accessories looked good on them, they probably felt like the princesses that they are.
You know, many thoughts just kept rolling as I saw myself in the children who were ignorant and lacked understanding at this loss at this moment. My parents had named me 'Adejumoke', which I kind of translated as 'we have gathered to care'. Yeah right, I am the tenth of 10 children, indeed they gather. As if my mother knew she wouldn't be there to see me grow into this woman the Lord is making of me. No wonder I really don't have memories of times spent with my mother because she probably wasn't there, my siblings are old enough to cater to me. I was everyone's child to look after. I really don't have any regrets right but I think I miss not having a mother. I miss my mother!
But you see, the Lord alone knows alllll things, He knows the end even from the beginning, He knows what all of us will become. By the way, the Lord is the only keeper of life, with or without parents, He alone is the father of the fatherless and motherless. Maybe I may feel betrayed that my mother brought me to this world to leave all alone, but no, I am not alone! I have never been alone. You are not alone! And then daddy died as well. I was now about 20 years (the month I was to be 20 years old). I didn't really know my father, he was apparently ill all the while I knew I was an existing being with life, family, siblings, friends and a father but not a mother. Anyways, life goes on.
In all of these, I see God still seated in heavenly places looking down on us and smiling at His 'OWN', like my plans for you are for good buddies. Sometimes I still feel a little happy that I don't know some things and therefore I walk like nothing is happening, nothing to make me fear, no nightmares.
Alas, it's May, and that little girl I saw myself in at the funeral will be 33, what can one say, isn't life still life, she still exists! Jesus is her strength for today and her bright hope for tomorrow.
This song:
Christ alone, Cornerstone,
Weak made strong in the Savior's love,
through the storm,
He is Lord, Lord of all.
This is indeed testimony! I was weak, young, vulnerable, naive, and clueless, but God's love and strength were there and still are. No fear, no quilt, no shame. And you can also go through life without those things. Soooo many things we cannot control, so why worry, yes we are human, cry it all out and then move on. The verse that resonated over the weekend is we should not grieve like those who don't have hope. I have hope, you have hope! Glory to God!
Walk in victory as if you overcame already, nothing should hold you captive, no imaginations, no guilt, no worries, no fear, the Lord is got you!
Unedited
Adejumoke Akanji
May 1, 2018
This is well written sis. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you @ Welley Lamadine. I hope you were blessed!
ReplyDeleteDeep Deju very deep. God bless u for sharing
ReplyDeleteIt too a while but I finally had time to finish this. This is deep! Thanks for sharing. So many things we go through as humand and forget about God's plan. He always has our back if only we trust Him! God bless you.
ReplyDeleteYes! God does have or back, no matter what we went through or are going through, it's for a purpose! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Delete